I'm not dead!

I keep getting messages asking me whether I've died or something. Well no I bloody haven't, sorry to get your hopes up. I've just been so busy, I've barely had a chance to sit down. I'm either doing photoshoots or interviews and occasionally, I'm arranging for a look-a-like to visit sick people in hospital. Don't give them looks, you know what I'm like with diseases.

Now, just because I haven't been around and Swine Flu hasn't spread across the world like they said it would doesn't mean you can all stop campaigning and that. I'm still trying to get to pull the money together for my own private island. I've had to make some sacrifices at home and all. We've found tenants for our current home, unfortunately they needed a place to stay immediately so we're having to share a house with some right commoners at the moment. Their names are Katrina and Gustav Hanski. We don't really know much about them because they only know how to say yes and no in English. We thought they were brother and sister at first cos they look similar to one another but they seem a little bit too close to be siblings. I hope they're not brother and sister anyway cos otherwise they're like seriously messed up.

That Katrina is getting on my nerves right now, if we didn't need the cash, I would have chucked her out by now. I told her to go get my hair straightens, she comes back with a knife. I thought she was going to kill me, she just kept waving it in my face saying something in her language. She does yoga at like 5am to loud whale music and she keeps putting it on Britain's Next Top Model. I swear she thinks she's the next Kate Moss or something. Stupid foreign bitch. Gustav's alright though, he gets along well with the hubby see. He's trying to learn English at the moment and he's learnt a wide variety of English swear words. He's dead happy at the moment cos he thinks he's learnt half of the language. We ordered a takeaway the other day, he called the delivery man a wanker. There was pizza everywhere after that. We've been banned from Pizza Hut too but I don't mind too much cos I've got to keep an eye on the waistline. The day I end up in one of them 'Celebrity Oops' sections in Heat or whatever, is the day I check myself into rehab.

Right, I've got to go, the Hanskis are out at the moment. Katrina's having her weekly bikini wax while Gustav's probably insulting passers by in the city centre. Last time they went out, she came back with one eyebrow missing and he came back with a bloody nose. I might have to look out for them cos I'm not cleaning blood off the floor. Not since the maid got sacked cos of budget cuts. Look out for more updates soon and please do your best to further my campaign cos otherwise I'm likely to be arrested for Katrina's murder.

Lots of love,

Anon xx

Small campaign update

My PA, aka the hubby, is currently working on campaign materials. We have come across some trouble though, there are a lot of selfish, ungenerous printing company bastards out there who have refused to print flyers for free but we're still working on it. We've also realised that our house would be empty for months while we're on our little island so we're looking for tenants for our huge mansion. If you know anyone with the cash, let me know. Together we can save me from Swine Flu and ensure the world continues to be a skinny celebrity filled world and that Hello!, OK!, Heat, Woman and all the other glossy mags are in business for the foreseeable future. We don't need any more unemployed people (my brother really is trying hard to find a job so don't take the piss) out there.

Look who it is... It's eyebrows man.

I'm bloody sick to death of... shall we call her Harlot? She's a right celebrity bitch and I have the rather unfortunate problem of having to live next to her. I know what you're thinking... 'You're a rich celebrity, why don't you just buy a bigger mansion somewhere else, you moaning bitch?' That would mean admitting defeat and I refuse to lose. So what if my solo career when down the pan quicker than Davina McCall's BBC1 chat show? (Remember that? God it was shit, wasn't it?) It doesn't mean I should let them lot take over. She's well known in the music industry and is currently taking time out to breed a new generation of spoilt chavs. Don't worry though, the current plan of trying to out breed her is going to well. I should have a full troop by 2020. At the moment, I'm having to put up with her leaving bin liners full of dirty nappies on my doorstep. The hubby wants to buy a pellet gun to shoot her but it will only bounce off the flab. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention she's the size of a bloody horse.

God this blog post is getting sidetracked. Back to me... At the moment, it's Swine Flu this, Swine Flu that. I'm shitting myself because if I get it and die, what will the world do without me? The glossy magazines would go bust, that's for sure. People would have to start reading broadsheets. Do you want that to happen? Do want really want to know what this man actually does:

I'm quite happy not knowing to be honest. I want to continue pointing and laughing at his eyebrows. This is why I'm launching a SAVE ANONYMOUS CELEBRITY FROM SWINE FLU campaign. The campaign aims to get me a government funded private island where I can stay until all this Swine Flu crap is over. The money is better spent on me then Tamiflu, that's for sure. I'll be posting more details on the campaign soon including a means of donating money to me. I deserve to be saved so that I can continue to provide the (surviving) British public entertainment. Thank you for your time.

xx

My sex is on fire!

As this is my first blog entry, I'd like to take this time to tell all you bastards who call my brother Unemployment to watch it cos his big sister is about and I know who you are. He has been trying really hard to find a job you know. It's not easy during these hard times. There are two million people like him out there too. Why don't you people pick on them? He's been circling things in newspapers and everything, I've never seen him try this hard before. He even prepared a CV, typed up on the computer, the full works. He won't be unemployed for much longer, I'm telling you! He's going to find a proper REAL job, not some job where you roll around in the mud with a massive brown egg ball thing like other some other celebrities out there. That ain't a real job, anyone could do it, even I could it if it didn't ruin my perfect hair. I bet it would give me gorgeous skin though, not that I'm saying I don't have perfect skin because the word sexy was invented to describe me. I was on the FHM list once. Higher than Rachel Stevens, I was. I heard it really pissed her off.

Enough about my brother, it's time to talk about me! In the words of Bonneh from Big Brother 7... I'm sexeh, funneh, everyfink and everyfink. I have a gorgeous husband who is usually described as sex on legs and everyone is dead jealous of me cos they can't have him but I'm used to jealous bitches. I look in the mirror and when I do, it becomes obvious why people like really hate me. I really am perfect in every single way. God broke them all when he made me. The recent Kings of Leon song 'Sex on Fire' was inspired by me apparently. I also have a kid but I'm one of them yummy mummies. Not one of them gross ones that are like always looking rough with a kid dangling over their shoulder. He's a good boy who's going to grown up and be in the next Boyzone. Bad example. Westlife?... Take That! He's going to be in the next Take That and he'll be the Gary Barlow of the group. The one who holds the others together cos he's like really talented and that. I'm training him up already. What the point of sending him to learn like maths and science when he was bred to be a star? You've got to start them young but I think I've left it a bit late. He's already one and I haven't even got to teaching him the boyband crotch grab! Major panic.

Anyway back to me again, you haven't seen me for a while because I've been planning my fifteenth millionth comeback and so much better than my previous comeback. I know what you're thinking, how does she find the time for all this? I wonder that myself. I told myself after my previous comeback fail that I would give up my dream of world domination but I've decided to try again because all my millions of fans have been begging me to. It must be their love for me that's keeping me at it 24/7. They literally sit on my doorstep screaming 'Come back! We love you!' which gets dead tiring after a while and I've had to set the dog on them a few times. It's all a bit hush hush at the moment but you'll definitely be seeing me in FHM again after this comeback, mark my words. Anyway I've got to go, looks like my brother has found his perfect job, he needs me to help him fill in the application form.

xx