As this is my first blog entry, I'd like to take this time to tell all you bastards who call my brother Unemployment to watch it cos his big sister is about and I know who you are. He has been trying really hard to find a job you know. It's not easy during these hard times. There are two million people like him out there too. Why don't you people pick on them? He's been circling things in newspapers and everything, I've never seen him try this hard before. He even prepared a CV, typed up on the computer, the full works. He won't be unemployed for much longer, I'm telling you! He's going to find a proper REAL job, not some job where you roll around in the mud with a massive brown egg ball thing like other some other celebrities out there. That ain't a real job, anyone could do it, even I could it if it didn't ruin my perfect hair. I bet it would give me gorgeous skin though, not that I'm saying I don't have perfect skin because the word sexy was invented to describe me. I was on the FHM list once. Higher than Rachel Stevens, I was. I heard it really pissed her off.
Enough about my brother, it's time to talk about me! In the words of Bonneh from Big Brother 7... I'm sexeh, funneh, everyfink and everyfink. I have a gorgeous husband who is usually described as sex on legs and everyone is dead jealous of me cos they can't have him but I'm used to jealous bitches. I look in the mirror and when I do, it becomes obvious why people like really hate me. I really am perfect in every single way. God broke them all when he made me. The recent Kings of Leon song 'Sex on Fire' was inspired by me apparently. I also have a kid but I'm one of them yummy mummies. Not one of them gross ones that are like always looking rough with a kid dangling over their shoulder. He's a good boy who's going to grown up and be in the next Boyzone. Bad example. Westlife?... Take That! He's going to be in the next Take That and he'll be the Gary Barlow of the group. The one who holds the others together cos he's like really talented and that. I'm training him up already. What the point of sending him to learn like maths and science when he was bred to be a star? You've got to start them young but I think I've left it a bit late. He's already one and I haven't even got to teaching him the boyband crotch grab! Major panic.
Anyway back to me again, you haven't seen me for a while because I've been planning my fifteenth millionth comeback and so much better than my previous comeback. I know what you're thinking, how does she find the time for all this? I wonder that myself. I told myself after my previous comeback fail that I would give up my dream of world domination but I've decided to try again because all my millions of fans have been begging me to. It must be their love for me that's keeping me at it 24/7. They literally sit on my doorstep screaming 'Come back! We love you!' which gets dead tiring after a while and I've had to set the dog on them a few times. It's all a bit hush hush at the moment but you'll definitely be seeing me in FHM again after this comeback, mark my words. Anyway I've got to go, looks like my brother has found his perfect job, he needs me to help him fill in the application form.
xx
