I keep getting messages asking me whether I've died or something. Well no I bloody haven't, sorry to get your hopes up. I've just been so busy, I've barely had a chance to sit down. I'm either doing photoshoots or interviews and occasionally, I'm arranging for a look-a-like to visit sick people in hospital. Don't give them looks, you know what I'm like with diseases.
Now, just because I haven't been around and Swine Flu hasn't spread across the world like they said it would doesn't mean you can all stop campaigning and that. I'm still trying to get to pull the money together for my own private island. I've had to make some sacrifices at home and all. We've found tenants for our current home, unfortunately they needed a place to stay immediately so we're having to share a house with some right commoners at the moment. Their names are Katrina and Gustav Hanski. We don't really know much about them because they only know how to say yes and no in English. We thought they were brother and sister at first cos they look similar to one another but they seem a little bit too close to be siblings. I hope they're not brother and sister anyway cos otherwise they're like seriously messed up.
That Katrina is getting on my nerves right now, if we didn't need the cash, I would have chucked her out by now. I told her to go get my hair straightens, she comes back with a knife. I thought she was going to kill me, she just kept waving it in my face saying something in her language. She does yoga at like 5am to loud whale music and she keeps putting it on Britain's Next Top Model. I swear she thinks she's the next Kate Moss or something. Stupid foreign bitch. Gustav's alright though, he gets along well with the hubby see. He's trying to learn English at the moment and he's learnt a wide variety of English swear words. He's dead happy at the moment cos he thinks he's learnt half of the language. We ordered a takeaway the other day, he called the delivery man a wanker. There was pizza everywhere after that. We've been banned from Pizza Hut too but I don't mind too much cos I've got to keep an eye on the waistline. The day I end up in one of them 'Celebrity Oops' sections in Heat or whatever, is the day I check myself into rehab.
Right, I've got to go, the Hanskis are out at the moment. Katrina's having her weekly bikini wax while Gustav's probably insulting passers by in the city centre. Last time they went out, she came back with one eyebrow missing and he came back with a bloody nose. I might have to look out for them cos I'm not cleaning blood off the floor. Not since the maid got sacked cos of budget cuts. Look out for more updates soon and please do your best to further my campaign cos otherwise I'm likely to be arrested for Katrina's murder.
Lots of love,
Anon xx
